All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
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He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
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how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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