look no pants
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
