i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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