i want to swaddle you in tequila
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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