you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
