I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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