I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
