Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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