I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just threw up on my dentist
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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