i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
