1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
