bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
