The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
