Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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