just come out here and I will go home with you...
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm experimenting with sincerity
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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