I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
