I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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