The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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