So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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