My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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