there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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