My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
