I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
