shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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