Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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