I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
