Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize