The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
