I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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