yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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