ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
