john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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