Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm way too hungover for life right now
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
