I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
