I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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