This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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