Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
