I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
