I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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