I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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