I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
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Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
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no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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