Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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