i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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