Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
