bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
