Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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