so that wasnt chicken after all
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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