____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i just google imaged poop.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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