Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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