I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
