now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
