i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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