Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
