Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Someone came in the potted fern
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
