He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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