How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
