just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
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