All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
