Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
