I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Randomize
