There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
